For all ladies who are deeply hurting, who feel trapped in a hopeless marriage, who are considering divorce but neither staying nor leaving seem to be good options, take courage.
Several years ago during a particularly rocky season in my marriage, I was faced with a decision. Many people were encouraging me to give up on my marriage, even telling me I had Biblical reason to leave. In a decision as monumental as my marriage, I was not about to move until I had clear direction from God. I received that direction many months after I began seeking clarity. I was surprised not only at the clarity of God's answer, but the content. Had God's voice been audible, it could not have been more clear, "Your pride is keeping you from loving your husband as you should." I immediately dropped to my knees and cried out to God, "I can't! I want to obey you, but it is impossible for me to do so." Immediately God brought to mind the verse "With man this is impossible, but with God ALL things are possible." I committed to let God change my heart, knowing full well the change was not within my power. Friends, He did. I encourage you, my fellow "helpmeet", if you are discouraged, hurt, angry, ready to walk out, I deeply sympathize with you. You feel there are no good options. Please know your marriage is a mission possible. God desires your family to be whole. It can begin with your willingness to walk humbly before the Lord God as a helpmeet. Will you take the challenge? Remember, with God, ALL things really are possible. "Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD, which he will shew to you to day: for the (enemies) whom ye have seen to day, ye shall see them again no more for ever" (Exodus 14:13)

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Love Check List

It is good to frequently visit I Corinthians 13, "The Love Chapter". I am excellent at regularly evaluating my husband's love toward me... :o) Here is a check list straight from the Bible. How am I doing?

  • Love is longsuffering (patient)
  • Love is kind
  • Love does not envy
  • Love does not vaunt itself (boast)
  • Love is not puffed up (proud)
  • Love does not behave itself unseemly (to act unbecomingly)
  • Love does not seek her own (see Philippians 2:4)
  • Love is not easily provoked
  • Love thinks no evil
  • Love does not rejoice in iniquity (unrighteousness, injustice)
  • Love rejoices in the truth
  • Love bears all things (to hide/conceal in relation to faults of others)
  • Love believes all things
  • Love hopes all things (hope as in waiting with confidence)
  • Love endures all things (remain, persevere)
  • Love never fails

Though an ideal relationship has this kind of love flowing both directions, there is nothing in this chapter that specifies love only loves if it's being loved. In fact, words like "does not seek her own", "bears all things", "endures all things" speak very loudly of a sacrificial, unconditional love.

That is the kind of love Jesus shows us. Here is an interesting thing to think about. The Bible says we love God because He first loved us (I John 4:19). He demonstrated that love toward us in Christ. What if we demonstrated Christ's love toward our husbands? What if, in time, Christ in us transformed a formerly unloving man to one who loves us because we first loved him? What if that husband who does not love God, learns about the love of God demonstrated in his wife and not only grows to love her, but grows to love the One who loves through her?

This is a high calling, ladies. Is it impossible to do in our own power. (Remember my theme verse?) I have written previously that the means of enduring a lopsided love comes from focusing on Jesus and all that He endured for us (Hebrews 13). Recently, though, God has challenged me to take this a step further. I Corinthians 8:3 says, "if any man love God, the same is known of him." When I read that verse this week, the thought came to mind that if my love for God is shown in my love for others, then my love for God must be very deep. It needs to run deeper than any obstacle that would keep me from sharing that love. It needs to be based in something even deeper than what God did for me in the person of Jesus. It needs to be based in something even deeper than what God does for me each day. It needs to be based in the very person, the character of God Himself. The character of God is manifest in those things He does for us, but it is so much more. It is beyond comprehension. It is worthy of our attention. In I Corinthians 7, Paul stated how he wished everyone could be single like he was. He understood that is not very realistic! His reason stated in verse 35 is interesting, though, "that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction". That word "distraction" means excessive worry. Stay with me here....

A difficult relationship certainly can be the source of distraction. When we are distracted from building our relationship with God, it greatly affects our ability to love God. When our ability to love God is out of balance, our ability to love our husbands is lost. The point? Focus! Focus on God. Focus on knowing him. Focus on loving him. If that focus is there, the love check list will be a reality in your relationship with your husband.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Battling Bitterness

One cannot address the subject of Helpmeet without covering the issue of bitterness. I remember being terribly disappointed about having to go back to work after I had my first child. A mentor at the time said three very powerful words to me... “Don't get bitter.” Shortly after that I decided to do a study on bitterness, and have from time to time revisited the truths God showed me during that season of my life.

The first mention of the word “bitter” in the Bible is in Exodus 15:23-27: “And when they came to Marah, they could not drink of the waters of Marah, for they were bitter: therefore the name of it was called Marah. And the people murmured against Moses, saying, What shall we drink? And he cried unto the LORD; and the LORD shewed him a tree, which when he had cast into the waters, the waters were made sweet: there he made for them a statute and an ordinance, and there he proved them, And said, If thou wilt diligently hearken to the voice of the LORD thy God, and wilt do that which is right in his sight, and wilt give ear to his commandments, and keep all his statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon thee, which I have brought upon the Egyptians: for I am the LORD that healeth thee. And they came to Elim, where were twelve wells of water, and threescore and ten palm trees: and they encamped there by the waters.”
The Israelites had embarked upon their journey to the Promised Land with great expectations. They had experienced God's power in a remarkable way, and were anticipating a wonderful journey ahead.

I think marriage is much the same way. When we are anticipating being married, we rarely consider the challenges that lie ahead. If we do consider them, that consideration is generally done in the context of “rose-colored” love! Just like the Israelites, we often come to that first real trial after we begin our journey into the promised-land of marriage, and we find ourselves faced with some bitter water when we are SO thirsty for something fresh and good. Perhaps bitterness is an ongoing battle in your marriage. Maybe you have committed to stay in a difficult situation, viewing your marriage as your ministry and having a strong desire to obey God's call on your life in your marriage. The Bible tells us that bitterness is a root from which many undesirable things spring and affect all those around us. Hebrews 12:15 says, “Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; least any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled.” Notice the words, “looking diligently”, Looking diligently at what? If you back up to verses 2-4 of that same chapter, you'll see the answer: “Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider him that endured such contraction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds. Ye have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin.” Our focus to keep the temptation to be bitter rooted out of our lives? Jesus. I know it sounds like a “Sunday School answer”, but if you take to heart what these verses are saying and truly consider Him, it puts our difficulties in perspective. If Jesus loves us that much, certainly we can love our husbands through Him.


Now, look back at Exodus 15. This is such a cool example of how the Old Testament paints pictures of New Testament truths for us. What did God tell Moses to do about that bitter water? God showed him a tree (as in cross). He told him to cast that tree into the bitter waters, and suddenly the waters became sweet! Then God made them further promises if they only hearken diligently to his voice and obey Him. Finally, he led them to Elim where there were twelve wells and ten palm trees, and they camped by those waters. Reminds me of some verses (Ephesians 3:20-21a), “unto him that is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him be glory.”

Friends, we often cannot change our circumstances, but we can allow God to change our response to those circumstances. God, and only God can provide a way of escape when the temptation to become bitter is strong. Some of us are faced with circumstances that frequently dangle that temptation in front of our faces! But God provides the way of escape via the cross of Jesus. There is no sweeter thing in life than the reality that God in the flesh loved us so much that he left His Heavenly throne, was wrongly accused, horribly treated, and crucified for us. Then, he rose again and gave us the opportunity not only for eternal life, but for abundant life now -- even in our less-than-desirable circumstances. Look diligently to Jesus, my friend. Be encouraged and empowered by His love. He, in turn, may not replace your bitter waters, but certainly will remove the bitterness! What a joy! With man this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

First Things First

Romans 5:13-17 "... but by love serve one another... Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.

In my last blog entry, I talked about being spiritually minded versus carnally minded. Walking in the Spirit is the key to being spiritually minded. You cannot have one without the other. When we are walking in the Spirit, we are not fulfilling our natural desires, thus thwarting our instinct to be carnally minded. By the grace of God, we can learn to be spiritually minded toward our spouse and our marriage. This, however, does not come by an act of our will. Remember my theme verse? "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible?" This is not just a verse to make us feel good and hopeful about seemingly impossible situations we face in life. This is, in fact, truth. So, if God says all things are possible, and God says I need to be spiritually minded, and God says I need to walk in the Spirit, how do I do that? How do these commands and truths translate into reality for me?

As I was contemplating this, a funny thought struck me. When we go on a physical walk, we don't do so by NOT doing something else. In other words, I would never say, "I am not falling, therefore I must be walking." Or, "I am not running, thus I must be walking." That would be pretty silly. Walking is a very purposed act. Though I have never been a "legalist" in terms of Christian doctrine, I do think somewhere along the line I unwittingly bought into a lie -- the lie that walking in the Spirit means I don't exhibit certain behaviors. Galatians 5 defines the fruit of the Spirit as love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance. Somehow I think I believed if I don't hate, I have love; If I'm not miserable, I have joy; if I'm not worried,I have peace; if I'm not impatient, I am longsuffering -- you get the picture. It just sounds ridiculous when I put that down in print! Walking in the Spirit is defined by what we ARE rather than by what we are NOT. There is absolutely no power is NOT being something. The power is in the Person of the Spirit lived out in our lives. This is the power of God. The God who spoke everything into existence with His Words. The God who sustains all things. The God who raised Christ from the dead. The God in whose very presence we would die were it not for His great mercy. The power of this God is potentially our power. All things are possible. How?

In I Chronicles 28, David commissions his son, Solomon to be the new king, and specifically to build the temple that David always desired to build. God told David that it would Solomon that would build the temple. Thus, David very passionately passed this responsibility to Solomon. The Bible tells us that we are the temple of the Holy Spirit -- yes the very Spirit in which we are to walk (I Co 6:19). So, I think we can glean something from David's instructions to Solomon. The Old Testament is full of physical pictures of spiritual truths that enhance our understanding of those truths. Here is the admonition given to Solomon by David. "And thou, Solomon my son, know thou the God of thy father, and serve him with a perfect heart and with a willing mind: for the LORD searcheth all hearts, and understandeth all the imaginations of the thoughts: if thou seek him, he will be found of thee; but if thou forsake him, he will cast thee off for ever. Take heed now; for the LORD hath chosen thee to build an house for the sanctuary: be strong, and do it." (I Chronicles 28:9-10).

We can glean from those instructions what we need to build a proper dwelling place for God's Spirit:
1. We need to know God. We get to know God just as we could get to know anyone. We spend time with Him. We listen to what He has to say to us through daily reading, studying and meditation in His Word. We also need to be quiet before Him so we can hear him. We also commune with him through prayer. As David told Solomon, if you seek him he will be found! But seeking takes effort on your part. Do you seek Him?
2. We need to serve God with a perfect heart. First, our heart is made perfect in God's sight when we give it to Him at the moment we accept Christ's sacrifice for our sins and ask Him to be not only our Savior, but our Lord. Second, we check the motives of our heart regularly. They must be pure and unselfish. Has your heart been made perfect through salvation in Jesus Christ? If so, are your motives pure? Why do you want to be spiritually minded toward your husband? It is solely for your own peace? Do you desire the best for your husband as well? Most importantly, is your overriding desire to obey God?
3. We also need to serve God with a willing mind. No commentary needed other than perhaps, if you are struggling with willingness, take your struggle to God, for "it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure" (Philippians 2:13).

Before we endeavor to be spiritually minded in marriage and to view our husbands and family as our spiritual missions, we must understand this cannot be accomplished by simply an act of our will. (With man this is impossible.) We must exercise our will to prepare our temple for the Spirit of God to dwell in the fullness of His Power. Walking in the Spirit is a purposed action. We do not walk in the Spirit in our marriage by suppressing our anger (though sometimes a time-out may be necessary), or by hiding our hurt, or any other of the actions we often fall into in an effort to look spiritual. Eventually those efforts will fail. We can only walk in the Spirit by knowing God and serving him with a perfect heart and a willing mind. Then, and only then, can He give us His mind -- the spiritual mind we need to walk in the Spirit in every circumstance we face, and to "by love serve one another", specifically our husbands.

Take heed, now. The Lord has chosen YOU to build a house for the sanctuary. Be strong and do it!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Death Versus Life and Peace


"For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace." (Romans 8:6)

Key question: Am I a spiritually-minded wife?

Key challenge: Can I view my marriage as my mission?

When I had my encounter with God in which He revealed to me just how my pride was affecting my marriage, a change in my thought process eventually resulted. After a long, hard, honest look at my dominant thoughts regarding my marriage, I had to admit they were not very spiritual. In fact, they were carnal. Perhaps the word carnal brings to mind some pretty extreme images. In reality, carnal thinking is simply anything related to fleshly, earthly, desires. Sometimes those can be extreme, but more often than not, they are disguised as "normal". For instance, my marriage thoughts were generally centered around either perceived needs I felt were not being met or with some behavior my husband had displayed that I was less than pleased about -- or both. If I view those thoughts through the lens of Romans 8:6, it is no wonder I had no peace in my marriage. In fact, my marriage was on the verge of death. I did often wrap those selfish thoughts in something that looked very spiritual, but when I stripped away everything, only my pride was left...and it was pretty ugly. The bottom line is, God has commanded me to be spiritually minded, to walk in His Spirit, in every season of my life. Some seasons are relatively simple; others, relentlessly difficult.

Choosing to be spiritually minded is challenging under the most ideal circumstances. Let's face it, most of us rarely find ourselves in the midst of ideal circumstances! In marriage, if one spouse is striving to be spiritually minded, and the other seems for a time not to have a spiritual thought in their noggin, the challenge can seem impossible. Remember, my friend. God works in the realm of impossibilities!

God's commands to his children are like his love and his promises -- unconditional. He does not place exceptions on the rules. He did not ask us to be spiritually minded only if those who affect our lives in the most intimate way are cooperating. He said to be carnally minded is emnity with God -- against God! Thus, the only option is clear! At times in marriage, husbands can make choices that are very painful for us. Some ladies deal with frequent thoughtlessness; some mean actions and/or words; some unfaithful eyes; some physical unfaithfulness; and others destructive addictions. These situations can hurt more deeply than we have the ability to express! Not only are they painful, but they are discouraging and can cause us to believe all kinds of untruths about ourselves, our spouse, our marriage, and our family. In spite of what injustices -- real or perceived -- we may encounter, God has certain commands for His children, and specific commands for wives. He did not say, "Wives, submit yourselves to your husband," if they are doing their job and loving you as Christ loved the church. God says, "Wives, submit yourselves to your husband, as to the Lord." The words "as to the Lord" are key in being spiritually minded in marriage. A command is a command, whether it is easy to carry out or seemingly impossible to carry out.

My prayer today is that we will each often examine our thoughts regarding our marriage. Am I consumed with only my needs in marriage? Are my thoughts toward my husband carnal? Do I view my marriage as an obligation or a mission?

I strongly believe that when two carnally-minded people become two spiritually-minded people in a marriage with God at it's center, God will use the two in powerful ways. Think of the potential! If your husband is not saved or has turned away from his walk with God, your choice to become spiritually minded will have an eternal impact. I am not promising your husband will soon or even ever get saved or choose to walk closely with God. What I am promising, is that your God will walk closely with you, and the results of that relationship will bring peace into your heart, into your marriage and into your home. It requires a commitment on your part. It requires persevering in godliness in some of the most ungodly, painful situations. But, the rewards are unequalled.

My friend, do you feel you have no good options when it comes to your marriage? Please hear me when I say, you do! You can choose to be spiritually minded regarding your marriage. You can choose to view your marriage and your family as your mission. Though I can't promise any specific results, I can promise life and peace in the places in your heart where death now lurks. Will you take the challenge?